Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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