She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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