God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
