im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
