so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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