I don't usually arrange sex via text message
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I'm passing your future prison.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
