woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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