He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.