my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
27 Times The Kardashian-Jenner Clan Absolutely Slayed at NYFW
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
19 Doctors Confess The Most Difficult Situation They’ve Ever Had To Face
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again