The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
