Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
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Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
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if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?