he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
