I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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