Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My liver just broke up with me...
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
