If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
