Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
