Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
