There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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