how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
