so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
