I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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