I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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