weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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