well I can't set my house on fire every night
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
