I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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