I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
