You smell like a Billy Joel song
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
