how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
