update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
