You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
