remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
