the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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