He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Randomize
