Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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