Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize