Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
