The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
