I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
