I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
