he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
