is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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