My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
