got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
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And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
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i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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