Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
