you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
