Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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