just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
