is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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