So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
