I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
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