So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
