Whod you bang
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
