Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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