Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
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I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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