just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
