Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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