His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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