there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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