Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He has the fingertips of a God
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