I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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